In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
