some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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