I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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