i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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