Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
