Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
