Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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