Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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