How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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