mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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