I smell stomach acid.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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