I wish I could teleport
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
