In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i was born a porn star she said
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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