How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
