Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
