So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
