i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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