We won't sleep together?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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