im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
