How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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