Someone shit on the floor
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
