More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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