WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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