Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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