STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
