It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
