I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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