I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
