I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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