I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
