she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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