TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
