On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I AM VODKA MAN
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
