oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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