Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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