paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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