Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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