so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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