I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
