Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
