In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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