it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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