Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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