i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
