I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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