omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
