I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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