Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
