3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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