I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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