he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
