sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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