I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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