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is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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