after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
