Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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