Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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