Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
