Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
