Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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